I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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