I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
