Already got asked if we're dating
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
