Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
