i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
