you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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