drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
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