Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
