I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Randomize
