I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face