I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!