Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.