there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.