you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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