I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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