This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
