perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
