I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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