just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
