someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
