??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
