Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
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In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
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Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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