Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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