I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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