I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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