My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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