Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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