Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
