you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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