4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
