So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
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Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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