You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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