We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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