Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
