I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
