I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
