What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
