im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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