hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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