im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷