did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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