No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
