when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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