Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
