my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
