Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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