Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.