is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
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I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
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The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill