you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
