Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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