mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
