Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
