i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
