I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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