Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
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