I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
