Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Never underestimate the power of titties
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
