Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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