Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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