I think I won the penis lottery.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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