Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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