my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
